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No one cares. That's just the truth! They want to mimic your apathy, they want your advice and encouragement, they want you to make them cum..but beyond that..you might as well be trash. I feel so disposable right now..just "gutter glitter" that isn't even clean enough to shine. I am reminded of the lyrics to a M. Manson song, "I'm not in love but I'm gonna fuck you till somebody better comes along." That's exactly what it is..I feed people. I give them what they want..attention from me..and when the novelty has worn thin, I get the "boot". I'm a prostitute! Even a prostitute has payoff though, so where's mine? I can't count how many I've had anymore..in this vile search for affection..a psychotic pipe-dream that I could be loved by all. It isn't love for them though..it's just sex and an intriguing distraction..and it always will be. This is never where I wanted to end up.



It's in these dark moments, when my mania takes hold that I understand with an outpouring of pure frustration what it is to be human. To be no more than an animal..a spin off from an initial plan. I cannot even console myself by thinking that my Maker loathes me..He is simply indifferent. The more I ponder it, the tragedy only cuts deeper to reveal that He couldn't change this even if he wanted to..or no matter how desperately I NEED/BEG Him to. I wish I knew why I had to be so sick..or why I cannot skip through life like everyone else that sees a man find his Faith and not question why?



I was a mistake..this is all wrong..I was not meant to be this..just a rejected chimp! I feel so empty now. I just want to go home..away from this place where everything is broken for me. Please hear me tonight. Do I just sound like another manic-depressive broken record to you? Either way, I need you to know that I know, for whatever that's worth. Help me to forget...



Your Servant,



- D



"This was never my world..you took the angel away. I'd kill myself to make everybody pay. " - Marilyn Manson, Coma Black